my conversation with bona and ynah (my two best bud) these past few days made me write about letting go..

LETTING GO. - taking a very deep breathe and just letting it all out. heaving a sigh. letting all the “bad” go with the air without a care.

and i guess it starts with knowing and accepting that we are not yet over - Love. Hate. Disappointment. Rejection. Anger. take your pick. after all its your own poison. for me, these are the hardest emotions to let go for it has the ability to move us or even change us.but at times these emotions takes over your life that even your beliefs get affected. these emotions starts to control you. it consume every drop of life you have.

given as example of all the people in the world, each and everyone of us have a story about our LOVE LIFE. come on admit it. after all books, movies, songs and even topic for simple conversations revolve around LOVE, LovE, love..

and we never get tired of it.. (admit it pal!)coz even if we deny it, we know in ourselves that we believe in it. we’re not as numb or as jaded as we think we are. we’re just afraid of it coz it might leave us broken into pieces and render us vulnerable. but isn’t that what makes ourlives full of excitment? not knowing what will happen next. the suprises in falling in love. we’re so scared coz when it comes we don’t know how deep we have to keep it. we merely notice it when its there, but once it gone, we tend to long for it. and often times we are so poor in recognizing it.

BUT FOR ME, WHAT REALLY HURTS SO MUCH IS WHEN YOU KNOW WITH ALL YOU’RE MIND AND HEART THAT YOU HAVE IT YOU COULD ALMOST TASTE IT, THAT THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN DENY THAT ITS THERE, AND YOU KNOW THAT ITS REAL, BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO LET GO… T.T

who knows what the reason is?

time?

someone else?

feelings?

confused minds?

career?

WHO THE HELL KNOWS!

guys, you have to let go. (i know, its easier said than done. but you have to trust yourself.) because there is no point in waiting and hoping. because the longer you wait and hope the longer you prolonging your agony.

i know that letting go ain’t easy.

but with time, it heals.

love is always there. it never runs out.

LOVE even more.

“i always speak for somebody else but i cannot speak for my own heart”

im a good example of a pastor who can’t do what he preach.

i have always blamed them.. i have always blamed him..’ i used to say that i grew up like this because he did not know how to take care of me.. lagi nya kong pinagbubuhatan ng kamay. lagi nya kong minumura at nilalait.. i even remember him pointing a gun at me when i was 7 years old just because i don’t write legibly.. well he was drunk that night he did that.. and he just bought the notebook. lagi nya kong pinapahiya sa mga kaybigan ko. he was so old-fashioned.. i didn’t see his point why he was doing that. and i never did try to understand him.. for me, ayaw nya kong maging masaya, coz he hated me! and with that thought i started hating him too. we hardly talk. when i think of him wala kong ibang naiisip kundi yung mga pambubugbog nya sakin, and how he hated me.. how he insulted me, my mother and my friends. he didn’t see my reasons.

but now, when i look back sa lahat ng nangyari, at sa pakikinig ko sa kanila.. mahal nya ko. and maybe that’s his way of showing it. hindi ko lang naintindihan… i remember when he used to fetch me at school when i was in kindergarten, then we’ll eat at jollibee.. back then i always wondered why never got married. i used to ask him.. but i got tired asking for he never answer it. naalala ko pag nakikipag-inuman sya sa mga pinsan at kaybigan nya, he used to say “ito yung apo ko! first honor to!” he was so proud of me.. may time pa kinantahan nya ko kasi ayaw kong kumain.. pero sobrang nasakal ako sa kanya  nagrebelde ako. sabi ko sa sarili ko kahit kaylan hindi na ko makikinig sa kanya. kaya lahat ng gusto nya sinuway ko. pero kahit kaylan hindi nawala sakin na kahit anung mangyari i owe him something.. i imagined myself graduating from college and getting a good job, like what he wants.. syempre matanda na sya nun.. i’ll get a nurse to take care of him.. tapos reregaluhan ko ng trip to some place he wants to go to…

but then, iniwan na nya ko. umalis sya ng hindi man lang kami nagkakabati. i never got the chance to say im sorry.. hindi man lang nya nahintay ang debut ko. ni hindi man lang nya makikita na grumaduate ako from highschool.. at yung huling pagkikita pa namin he shouted at me. i failed him in so many ways. i have disappointed him. wala akong naibigay sa knya that he can be proud of. wala akong naibigay sa kanya kundi puro ng sama ng loob..

i have forgiven him sa lahat ng sakit na naibigay nya sakin.. pero ang tanong is kaya nya kaya akong mapatawad sa lahat ng katangahang nagawa ko sakanya?

MALI SILA KUNG INIISIP NILA NA WALA SYANG HALAGA SAKIN. my heart was dominated by hatred dahil sa mga nangyari. pero that doesn’t mean that i don’t love him.

he have a funny way of showing his care for me..

YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU GOT. TIL ITS GONE.

“When things get awfully tiring, seek for silence. Most of the times, the loudest lessons are found at the most quiet corners of our lives.”

I was thinking the other night, this past few days things are bit mess up. Things are so vague. things are ending up exactly the opposite of what I want. (Except for my studies). He just stood there. Watched me walk away. He didn’t even made a single move, not one bit. I keep on blaming him, but as I think about it, I wonder if he was really the one to blame. I did not cry because I love him. I cried because I felt stupid. Why did I expect too much when I clearly know that we’re going nowhere! It pains me,thinking how stupid I was. I didn’t realized it until last night. When I lay in silence.. Some lessons must be learned in a very hard way.

im just taking my time…
i don’t want to hurry things…
im so happy with how things are going on with my life…

i guess, that’s a reality of life..u love.. u’l get hurt…u give…no one wil appreciate u..its a fact that we must accept…life is unfair..and learn that things won’t always come our way..
i know u already heard about this stuff..(let this serve as a reminder)..

sitting here..thinking of the times that i got hurt and cried…i feel much stronger now..like they say experience is the best teacher..natatawa na nga lang ako everytime na maaalala ko the times that i cried for the silliest things…
made the same mistakes a few times before i learned my lesson…

i know that i will get hurt again..someday…in the future…but every tears that i shed in the past made me stronger so i know if that “someday” comes,when il be shedding more tears,i know that those tears will make me stronger…

in love..i know now that i have all the time in the world…we need time to dicern if the love is true…then when i can finally say that it is true i can love with all my heart!

If I’m here;
And you’re there;
If I shed a tear;
Then you’re not aware.

hayy…
in a very short time a lot of things happened..
i was very happy…yan tuloy, i got hurt too much..
it hurts like hell..if this pain that im feeling can kill, i could have died two days ago…
i thought everything was ok..but this is where our short story ends…
ANG SAKIT! damn it… he caused me too much pain,i cant bear it anymore…
i cried hard.. for the pain to go away but as days goes by it pains me more..
how can you let go of something you don’t want to let go??
how can a wound be healed if the person that can cure it is the exact person that caused it.. T.T
and the hard part is how can i move on if everyday i see him and want to love him more??
how can something i thought was close to perfect end up this way??
i love him…i know i do…
how can it end up this way??
he told me he will wait for me…
are promises really meant to be broken??
he took my ability to believe…he took my ability to believe in happy endings…
he took my heart..he broke my heart…
what should i do for this pain to go away?!
its killing me!!

the pain is too much..and yet i still have to hang on..coz im alive..

to think of it,im wasting too much tears and energy for this bullshit…ihh xa nga mukang hindi xa apektado..still i have to deal with this pain till its gone..

i’ve been asked a lot of times to define love…and now i still dont know the answer..til i’ve read about Mo.teresa once asked to define love and she answered "love is givin’ till is hurts"..yes it sounds so unfair but that’s the way it is..sabi nga nila,it doesn’t matter how much people appreciate u..what matter is how much you appreciate others…life is unfair,i’ve learned..we just have to deal with it…

givin’ til it hurts..those words,sounds so painful and yet it sounds full of love…is man capable of such??…

givin’ til it hurts..we always ask for too much…too much that we don’t realise that we’re hurting the people around us…we’re not always contented of what we have…we always asked for more…kelan nga ba tayo matututo makuntento??..

givin’ til hurts…not everybody can do this..most of us will give up..saying that its too unfair..yes!everybody deserves to be happy…but in loving,we may never know…heartaches,heart breaks are just around the corner waiting for our stupid hearts to fall and break..do u believe that if we truly love someone we’ve got to fight for him/her…but when do we say we had enough??givin’ til it hurts…

T.T

partie pipz..yes! that’s what we call ourselves…i don’t know how we stared to call ourselves that..all i can remember is there’s an event in our school and we’re so wild and excited about it..you know like party people..lol

our group is consisted of 10 pretty girls namely: shane,nila,jonah,mara,jam,kat,leren,cj,erica and yours truly…

we’re bff: bestfriends forever,sad though that i moved to another school,but as promised the will always be my true friends..yes,there are some personality clashed that’s going on within the group but that’s a reality of these world..after all we are different persons…may mga ayaw man kami sa isa’t isa,we’re friends after all and we have learned to accept each other’s shortcomings..

I am so glad to finally be back here..No more sufferings..

but have u ever felt the feeling that you want something so bad,but when you got there you realized that the feeling wasn’t as good as you imagined it to be..I’ve been there..I have experienced a lot of depressions,neglections, and disappointments..I felt depressed because a lot of people neglected me..1st is my mom,who left me..my dad who can’t introduce me to his new wife and can’t welcome me to his life..my relatives are so disappointed in me because I had failed their expectations..I caused a lot of people a great deal of pain..it was never really my intention to hurt others’ feelings..but in one point in your life you have to make a decision that hurting the feelings of the people around you is inevitable…

iba naman pag-usapan natin…

last night I talked to one old friend of mine…talking to an old friend felt great…being able to talked about the past..bout the silly things you did..it made me laugh..and at the same time realized that we had change a lot..time made us mature in a way..but still there is still that "isip bata" attitude i us…my! he had change lot..

yes!1year had past..1 year and yet i hadn’t changed…still making the same mistakes..but this i gotta do it right..i know i’ll do it right this time..i’ll start from making small right decisions..but im still gonna enjoy my life…im gona live a day at time but still think about tomorow…

ironic…lolz

i like what she said…to be sane is insanity…i just realized that being crazy once in a while is normal..abnormal ka if you don’t know how have fun every once in while….

last night…non nlng ako ulit nakainom..(humina na ko!!hahahaÜ) again i felt stupid…but no space for regrets but to remember is inevitable… i just want to forget kahit sandali lang yung mga bagay ng gumugulo sa isip ko for years… akala ko dati ok na pag nakainom ako khit isang boteng alak lng… pero hindi pala talaga matatakasan ang mga problema…(damn!i felt sick!!)realizing my mistakes i felt realy really stupid…i know im such a SELFISH young lady…coz  i always think about myself..im kinda egocentric kind of person…hindi ko na iniisip ung ibang tao basta ang mahalaga ay ung ikakasaya ko w/o considering the feelings of others…(masama ba??)gusto ko lang maging masaya while i can…i want to embrace each day w/ laughters w.o regrets w/o worries…but it can never be like that… c0z n0w i kn0w better…i learned a lot since i left my hometown..my own house…mahirap mabuhay na sarili mo lng ang iniisip mo…(sana nababasa to ng daddy ko)…im no longer miss high and mighty dahil wala na kong maipagmamalake…
gusto kong maging masaya tulad ng ibang tao peo ndi ito ang buhay na gusto ko para sakin..i should be in school doing what i like most…study…but its too late..

i hope someone would listen to every ache of my heart….i like to have a friend…